Modesty

Modesty in a woman is commendable. Inherent and natural/intuitive modesty in a man is even more of an amazing and admirable trait.

A house with both of them together becomes a blessed home.

We live in the times where nudity is considered being ‘real’, and modesty is something you learn, instead of being part of the natural disposition that every man was created with. The ‘modern’ materialistic society forgets that with every layer of clothes we take off, we lose a tiny part of our human selves.

Be That Woman.

Be comfortable with who you are. It’s not easy and others around you won’t make it easy either. You are who you are. You can either learn to accept it or feel restless in your own skin, for a long time until you accept it.

You are beautiful. Sure, you may not have the ‘perfect’ flawless skin, the hour glass figure, or the ‘hot smile’. Yet it is You. It is you that defines who you are. It is time to stop looking through other’s eyes. It is time to stop looking through your friends’ eyes. It is time to stop looking through your husband’s eyes. If you keep looking though his eyes, you will get tired soon. Tired to compete with all those supermodels out there. Or more realistically, tired to compete with that average looking woman out there who happens to have a ‘nicer body figure’ than you.

Pick up your confidence from the floor. Pick up your self-esteem from the floor. You are the one in charge. You are the one who decides what beauty means, for your own self. No one has the right to decide it for you.

Realistically, good men, and your man is most likely a good man, know that those photo shopped women are just that – photoshopped. He isn’t comparing you to them. He knows what counts – the inside or the outside. He appreciates your deen, your manners, your personality and essentially what makes you YOU. Believe that. Not because of him, but because it is the right thing for your own self esteem. Sure, from time to time, your man will think, and perhaps it might even slip out, ‘that is one fit’ woman, or ‘she has a good body’, or ‘it was so difficult to lower my gaze from her’ but that is in that moment. Let it go. Don’t let her define your own sense of beauty. Dont let anyone define your own sense of beauty.

You have a choice at that time. You can look at that woman, start mentally comparing yourself with her, and trying to find out what is it about her your partner finds attractive. You can allow yourself to feel your confidence drop and start questioning all the reasons why he is with you instead of her. OR you can let it go. Sure, he is having a (rather questionable) moment, definitely an uncomfortable moment for you, but just a moment nevertheless. Your relationship, your marriage is much stronger than the moment. Let him return his gaze back to you, and you will find all the answers in his eyes. The reasons why he married you, chooses to stay with her than anyone else. Be patient in that moment, calm those nerves of yours, and let yourself feel your inner strength.

Remind yourself that you are who you are and you are comfortable being yourself. It is not something we are born with. We have to learn this. Practice this every chance you get. But there is something extremely fascinating and attractive in a woman who knows who she is, and is happy in her own skin. Be that woman. Be that woman for your own self. It is worth it.

Have you told him today…?

You love your husband because of his commitment to the deen.

But have you recently told him what exactly about his deen that impresses you and makes you respect him everyday?

He prays salaah, all 5 of them regularly. But have you told him how much you admire him for praying salaah on time today?

Have you told him how much his respect in your eyes increases because he goes out of his way to avoid his friends that aren’t good for his deen? How he avoids sitting with those that drink alcohol or smoke, even though he himself never would?

Have you told him, how much you appreciate the respect he gives to his parents and siblings, because he is being an excellent example to your own kids?

Have you told him how you admire his excellent character, his willingness to help random people on the street, as much as his dedication to paying zakah every year?

Have you appreciated him for at least be willing and having the intention to do a certain good deed, even if he doesn’t end up doing it?

Tell him. Let him know how his love for Allah makes you love him more. He needs that reassurance. You need it too. A way to remind both of you of the reason why you came together in the first place.

Answers in her eyes…

I was thinking about my mum, and it inspired me to write down one of the most important moments in my life and how I found answers in her eyes… 

I saw your eyes flood with happiness, with tears fighting the corner of your eyes wanting to stroll down your cheeks. As you handed me the nikaah papers to sign, your face showing signs of peace and tranquillity, I stretched out my henna decorated hand and grasped the papers with trembling hands. I looked up to you as it dawned on me the reality of what I was about to do. I had lived under your protection all my life, and was about to become someone’s responsibility.

I had come to you at every difficult moment in my life to find peace and support in you; I had grown under your watchful eye and guidance.

I had found more than a mother in you.

I have found a mentor in you.

I had found a lifelong friend in you.

As you handed me the pen to sign my name on the dotted line, even then, with my blurred vision clouded by tears, I silently sought your help and you understood. You grasped my palm and stretched it out at the right place on the certificate. As I signed my name, realising the true value of this significant moment, I wondered what my life will be like after this. A new life with a stranger. With uncertainty. Yet, as I looked up to you for the final time, returning back the papers, all my questions were answered. I knew in that moment that I would be fine. Your face, beaming with joy and happiness, was what I needed. I knew in that moment that I will be well taken care of, in my new home. For verily, your prayers will always be with me.

The ‘special’ Love…

Love is of different kinds. There is the teenage crush that we want to think of as ‘love’. There is the ‘oh my goodness, he is so hot, I wanna jump him!’ desire type of ‘love’. There is the ‘I can’t marry him but I can’t live without him’ kind of love. Then there is True Love. Now, this type of love is simple. So ordinary. You wouldn’t even know you are in it, until a situations makes you realise it. Even if you get married to the right person, and it’s all Halal, you might not experience this type of love often.

It’s not the newlywed kind of love where his small smile melts your heart. Where his glance makes you fly in the clouds. Where a reddish nasty looking pimple on his cheeks is his best feature on the face.

It’s the kind of true love where it’s no longer about you. It’s about him. It’s about the moments in the midst of a fight, where you suddenly stop in your tracks and notice the hurt on his face. And that’s enough for you to reconsider the whole situation. It’s the moments where you are bored to death of listening to him talk about who said what at work today, yet you can’t help but give him your full attention. It’s the mature type of love. It matures from the lovey dovey teenage emotions to more mature life-long love. The love where you are there for each other in the good and most importantly in the bad. Where you still talk to each other with kindness, especially when you are mad at each other.

It’s about the type of true love where you draw strength from him. It’s where you know you wouldn’t be able to live without him, if something horrible happened to him, yet you will. Because that’s who he was, a pillar of strength, and that’s what he has taught you. That’s what he has left with you. A part of himself. A part of who was, and now that’s what he has made you into. A pillar of strength.

Then, there is another level of true love. It’s the kind of love where you are connected to each other, not because you are married to each other, but because of the mutual love of Allah. This kind of love is ever rarer than true love. It’s the kind of love where you love him because he loves Allah. It’s the kind of love where you know in your heart, that nothing can come in between him and Allah. Not even you. It’s kind of love, where you want him to choose Allah over you, if there was ever a choice to make. That’s the special kind of love. I truly believe that this is incredibly rare to find. Perhaps, you wouldn’t be able to find it around yourself, within yourself, even if you searched.

May Allah keep the love strong within us for our spouses, and may this love be strong enough to drag each other away from the Hellfire and into the gardens of Jannah. Ameen

Why won’t I say something?!

“They (the transgressors) used not to forbid one another from Al-Munkar (wrong, evil-doing, sins, polytheism, disbelief) which they committed. Vile indeed was what they used to do.” (5:79)

We are often hesitant to tell our loved ones not to commit a sin, as they could take offence.

What if I tell my friend that she is doing something wrong, and she stops talking to me? What if I tell her not to talk to this non-mahram guy she is in love with and she distances herself from me?

What if I tell my parents that they are committing a sin, and I get labelled as a argumentative daughter/son?

What if I oppose my spouse from following his/her desires and having some ‘fun’, and he/she thinks of me as a boring person?

What if I tell my brother to lower his gaze and not look at the inappropriately dressed models on a billboards and he thinks I am too backward to understand the ‘modern society’?

What if I tell my mother-in-law or sister-in-law to be extremely careful with a certain questionable act and I get insulted in return?

Yup, all of these situations can happen. And we always have the intention to remind the other person to fear Allah, to take the higher taqwa option, but we rarely do. We are scared of how we will come across, regardless of the way we say it. We are scared of the situation becoming awkward. We are scared of not knowing how to say it ‘properly’. We are scared that we are coming across as ‘too strict’ and end up questioning ourselves. It doesn’t sit well within ourselves – yet we still ponder whether there is a valid difference of opinion in the deen and I can maybe use THAT as an excuse to be lenient with the person/situation. Maybe use it as an excuse to stay quiet when I could have said something beneficial?

Remember, brothers and sisters, just because something is permissible doesn’t mean it has to be done. Sometimes taqwa of Allah, fear of His punishment is more important than deciding whether you can do something or not based on the permissibility in the deen.

Remember your duty is only to remind them. To forbid them from committing a sin that can lead them one day to the Hellfire. To encourage them to choose an option, which will bring them closer to Allah. Whether they benefit from it or not isn’t your responsibility. But don’t be reluctant in saying it. Of course, with kindness and gentleness as commanded to us in the deen.

“Therefore remind (men) in case the reminder profits (them)(9). The reminder will be received by him who fears (Allâh). But it will be avoided by the wretched, (11) Who will enter the great Fire (and will be made to taste its burning). (12)” (87:9-12)

Being nicer hurts less..

Logic makes sense. It also hurts.

If you are making a logical, practical decision, please be gentle explaining it to your loved ones.

Moving to another country because of better job prospects is logical, it will also hurt your parents so be gentle in breaking the news.

Getting married to a guy outside of your culture because he is better in his deen may be logical, but it wont be easy on your family. Be nicer to them.

Working longer hours to provide more for your family is logical, but it will also hurt your wife who will miss you more. Be gentle with her.

Logic makes sense. It also hurts. Being nicer hurts less.

Truths your married friends won’t tell you…

Dear single Muslimah,

I am going to tell you some honest truths today. The truths your married friends won’t tell you. They will share every little detail about their lives with you but not this. And they shouldn’t either. A good Muslimah should guard the secrets of her marital home and not disclose information about her family life and the relationship with her spouse. Hence, your friends won’t tell you about this. Which is alright for them, but it sucks for you.

You enter the beautiful world of marriage without knowing the reality.

You think you know what your married life will be like. You have seen it in the media, you have fantasised about it since you were a little girl, and have briefly glimpsed into other wives’ lives from the outside. You are searching for a pious, religious, and practising brother, and you think that by marrying someone whose’s deen is sorted, you will be sorted for life. Because that’s what the sheikh said at the fiqh of marriage seminar, and some scholar posted on his facebook page. So you believe it. You believe that if a brother is perfect with his salaah and goes to the masjid everyday, attends Islamic seminars regularly, has long beard that puts Santa to shame, you are sorted. He even applied to study at Madina university so he must be really good. He will be your leader in the deen, he will remind you about Allah, he will encourage you to become a better Muslimah and you don’t have to do much except follow him. You believe that marrying a practising brother is the ultimate success when it comes to your deen. And Jannah will be a piece of cake.

Let me present to you a different side.

Falling in love is easy… Staying in love is a Choice..

Falling in love is easy. Loving them is what’s hard. Loving her at times when you really don’t feel like it, is what takes work. Staying with him despite the problems is the real challenge. And any books in the world, magazines and blogs, or YouTube can’t truly help you. You know where to look for the solution? Inside yourself. What really matters is your sincerity. Your pure intentions. Your willingness to make it work, despite the troubles. Your motivation to rise above the storm, and accept them, as who they are and make it work. Perhaps they are not at their best, behaving in irrational ways you can’t understand. Yet by behaving in such a way, emotional and uncomfortable as it may be, they are letting themselves be vulnerable in front of you. She is exposing herself to you. He is opening himself in front of her. Don’t turn away. This is when he needs you the most. This is the time to collect her when she is falling apart. This is where your sincerity comes from. This is the time to give and not worry about the taking. It will come back to you. Always has and always will.

(P.S Please note that this is applicable in normal everyday relationships, doesn’t apply to any verbally or physically abusive relationship. )