What differentiates us from younger selves?

What differentiates a boy from a man is his Gentleness and Kindness. He is gentle and kind when he could have used his strength. He suggests even though he could have commanded. He asks even though he could have just taken. He gives more than he thinks about taking. He respects her more than he demands his own.

That’s a man to keep. To aspire to be one. To be thankful for the one you have.

———–

What differentiates a girl from a woman is her Care and Sacrifice. She does more than he could ask. She gives all she has, even forgetting herself sometimes even though she doesn’t need to. She commits to improving everything around her, including herself, even though he is pleased with her.

That’s a woman to keep. To aspire to be one. To be thankful for the one you have.

Post at home…

Surprise your spouse every once in a while. Write them a nice, loving letter and post it, even though you both live in the same house.

The element of surprise of getting it with their name in the post, the anticipation of opening and reading the letter, your handwriting – all of it is worth their smile.

If writing doesn’t come to you easily, buy and send a card instead. It’s the thought that counts!

What’s his ‘real’ opinion?

You want honesty in your marriage. You want transparency in your marriage. You want your husband to feel safe to be able to tell you everything he thinks. You want him to tell it like it is, good or bad. You want your husband to give his ‘real’ opinion about whether he likes your new dress, or hairstyle or the new dish you cooked. You want no walls between the two of you.

This is one side of the coin.

Here is the other.

What’s the point of Love?!

Love is Confusing. Love is Messy. Love makes you doubt yourself. Love is dynamic. One moment you feel like nothing matters than the one you are in love with, and the next moment, you can’t rationally understand how are you attracted to them in the midst of an argument!

Love is Chaotic. You lose control of what you want. You lose your frame of reference. You lose your very own self. And after losing yourself, and only after it, you experience true love. You free yourself from the shackles of who you have been all your life, and grow into another person who looks at life – in a different way.  In a new way. In an open minded way. Its like you are flying for the very first time, even though you have had wings all your life. Its the uncertainty. Its not knowing how and when you will fall. Yet, you are convinced from the deepest corner of your heart that you will pick yourself up and rise again. Because, after being introduced to this wonderful and scary world, with unprecedented opportunities and experiences,  how could you not?!

In that confusing, messy, chaotic and dynamic relationship, you learn to live. Truly Live. Not just survive and exist. But to Flourish. To care. For more than yourself. For a stranger that strangely has become a part of you.  Through this, you realise that YOU are becoming how you have always wanted to be. Someone selfless. Someone caring. Someone gracious and kind.

You learn to give them more than you give yourself. And its not because its expected from you.

But because you want to.

Because there is nothing that brings you happiness more than seeing them happy.

And that is confusing. Love is Confusing.

But its worth it. What do you think?

Be That Woman.

Be comfortable with who you are. It’s not easy and others around you won’t make it easy either. You are who you are. You can either learn to accept it or feel restless in your own skin, for a long time until you accept it.

You are beautiful. Sure, you may not have the ‘perfect’ flawless skin, the hour glass figure, or the ‘hot smile’. Yet it is You. It is you that defines who you are. It is time to stop looking through other’s eyes. It is time to stop looking through your friends’ eyes. It is time to stop looking through your husband’s eyes. If you keep looking though his eyes, you will get tired soon. Tired to compete with all those supermodels out there. Or more realistically, tired to compete with that average looking woman out there who happens to have a ‘nicer body figure’ than you.

Pick up your confidence from the floor. Pick up your self-esteem from the floor. You are the one in charge. You are the one who decides what beauty means, for your own self. No one has the right to decide it for you.

Realistically, good men, and your man is most likely a good man, know that those photo shopped women are just that – photoshopped. He isn’t comparing you to them. He knows what counts – the inside or the outside. He appreciates your deen, your manners, your personality and essentially what makes you YOU. Believe that. Not because of him, but because it is the right thing for your own self esteem. Sure, from time to time, your man will think, and perhaps it might even slip out, ‘that is one fit’ woman, or ‘she has a good body’, or ‘it was so difficult to lower my gaze from her’ but that is in that moment. Let it go. Don’t let her define your own sense of beauty. Dont let anyone define your own sense of beauty.

You have a choice at that time. You can look at that woman, start mentally comparing yourself with her, and trying to find out what is it about her your partner finds attractive. You can allow yourself to feel your confidence drop and start questioning all the reasons why he is with you instead of her. OR you can let it go. Sure, he is having a (rather questionable) moment, definitely an uncomfortable moment for you, but just a moment nevertheless. Your relationship, your marriage is much stronger than the moment. Let him return his gaze back to you, and you will find all the answers in his eyes. The reasons why he married you, chooses to stay with her than anyone else. Be patient in that moment, calm those nerves of yours, and let yourself feel your inner strength.

Remind yourself that you are who you are and you are comfortable being yourself. It is not something we are born with. We have to learn this. Practice this every chance you get. But there is something extremely fascinating and attractive in a woman who knows who she is, and is happy in her own skin. Be that woman. Be that woman for your own self. It is worth it.

Have you told him today…?

You love your husband because of his commitment to the deen.

But have you recently told him what exactly about his deen that impresses you and makes you respect him everyday?

He prays salaah, all 5 of them regularly. But have you told him how much you admire him for praying salaah on time today?

Have you told him how much his respect in your eyes increases because he goes out of his way to avoid his friends that aren’t good for his deen? How he avoids sitting with those that drink alcohol or smoke, even though he himself never would?

Have you told him, how much you appreciate the respect he gives to his parents and siblings, because he is being an excellent example to your own kids?

Have you told him how you admire his excellent character, his willingness to help random people on the street, as much as his dedication to paying zakah every year?

Have you appreciated him for at least be willing and having the intention to do a certain good deed, even if he doesn’t end up doing it?

Tell him. Let him know how his love for Allah makes you love him more. He needs that reassurance. You need it too. A way to remind both of you of the reason why you came together in the first place.

Truths your married friends won’t tell you…

Dear single Muslimah,

I am going to tell you some honest truths today. The truths your married friends won’t tell you. They will share every little detail about their lives with you but not this. And they shouldn’t either. A good Muslimah should guard the secrets of her marital home and not disclose information about her family life and the relationship with her spouse. Hence, your friends won’t tell you about this. Which is alright for them, but it sucks for you.

You enter the beautiful world of marriage without knowing the reality.

You think you know what your married life will be like. You have seen it in the media, you have fantasised about it since you were a little girl, and have briefly glimpsed into other wives’ lives from the outside. You are searching for a pious, religious, and practising brother, and you think that by marrying someone whose’s deen is sorted, you will be sorted for life. Because that’s what the sheikh said at the fiqh of marriage seminar, and some scholar posted on his facebook page. So you believe it. You believe that if a brother is perfect with his salaah and goes to the masjid everyday, attends Islamic seminars regularly, has long beard that puts Santa to shame, you are sorted. He even applied to study at Madina university so he must be really good. He will be your leader in the deen, he will remind you about Allah, he will encourage you to become a better Muslimah and you don’t have to do much except follow him. You believe that marrying a practising brother is the ultimate success when it comes to your deen. And Jannah will be a piece of cake.

Let me present to you a different side.

Falling in love is easy… Staying in love is a Choice..

Falling in love is easy. Loving them is what’s hard. Loving her at times when you really don’t feel like it, is what takes work. Staying with him despite the problems is the real challenge. And any books in the world, magazines and blogs, or YouTube can’t truly help you. You know where to look for the solution? Inside yourself. What really matters is your sincerity. Your pure intentions. Your willingness to make it work, despite the troubles. Your motivation to rise above the storm, and accept them, as who they are and make it work. Perhaps they are not at their best, behaving in irrational ways you can’t understand. Yet by behaving in such a way, emotional and uncomfortable as it may be, they are letting themselves be vulnerable in front of you. She is exposing herself to you. He is opening himself in front of her. Don’t turn away. This is when he needs you the most. This is the time to collect her when she is falling apart. This is where your sincerity comes from. This is the time to give and not worry about the taking. It will come back to you. Always has and always will.

(P.S Please note that this is applicable in normal everyday relationships, doesn’t apply to any verbally or physically abusive relationship. )

Showing respect when addressing our spouses…

It is reported that the wife of Imam Sa’id b. Al-Musayyib – Allah have mercy on him – said: “We only ever used to speak to our husbands like you address your commanders and leaders: [we would supplicate for them when talking to them] “May Allah keep you right!”, “May Allah keep you well!”

Abu Nu’aym [Hilyatu Al-Awliya` 5:198]

Bug your spouse at work…

Make a regular habit of sending a short but sweet text to your hubby at work.

Imagine that he is stuck at work, he really doesn’t like the task he has to complete at that time, his boss is annoying him and he is feeling frustrated. Your brief message, thanking him and appreciating him for all the hard work, RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT, is perhaps what gives him the encouragement that he needs. The will to find the passion for the job once again and complete that task.

Imagine that smile that comes on his face, just because of you. Just because you were thinking of him and now he is thinking about you.

Imagine that rush of happiness and gratefulness he feels because of you. He may never admit it out loud, but we know, don’t we ladies? 

Men need love just like us women, but they don’t always ask for it. It is the good Muslimah and a good wife that realises this at the right time and gives it freely…

… and expects the reward from her Lord only…